Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
