just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
