Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
