You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
