I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
