her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
did i walk over a car last night?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
