So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She announced her abortion via fbk
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
