There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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