The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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