For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
