My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
