i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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