having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
