He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
