all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
