I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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