he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
