dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize