Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
