Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
