You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
