I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
