dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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