I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
