God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I need a beard to bite.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
