someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
