im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
