i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
