when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
