birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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