Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
