she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
