Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
