Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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