Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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