When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
