You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
