I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
