If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
