I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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