i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
