Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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