My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
