A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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