I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
