"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
