i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize