I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
