I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
