at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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