We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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