im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
