DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
