I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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