Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
