he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
