you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize