life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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